Imagine this scenario: this morning when you woke up, instead of putting on that ratty old nursing bra that’s just so comfortable, you put on that lacy push-up number that your husband bought you from Victoria’s Secret last year for your anniversary. And just for kicks, you wear the matching lacy panties. Throughout the day while you’re vacuuming, or dusting, or chasing the kids around the house, your mind begins to wander. You’re thinking about your husband – his toned arms, his breath on your neck, that thing he does with his tongue that he hasn’t done in months.
By the time your hubby gets home from work, you’re so worked up you can’t stand it. You play footsie with him under the table during dinner, you grab his butt when you pass each other in the hall. He’s looking at you like he used to when you were dating – what has gotten into her? He may seem surprised, but he’s getting in on the action too. You both hit the bed like horny teenagers. You’re making out, clawing at each other, tearing each others’ clothes off! By the time you fall away from each other, sweating and panting, you’ve both had the most amazing orgasm you can remember.
It might sound a little extreme, but imagine always having sex on the brain. Even when the kids are running around screaming like banshees, even when you have a headache, even when you hate your husband’s guts because he forgot to take the trash out for the second day in a row and, surprise – he’s taking another nap – it is completely possible to keep sex on the brain (plus, you’d be surprised how quickly he’ll take that trash out the first time after a night full of passion and – gasp! – kinky sex).
We’ve been taught from an early age that good girls don’t talk dirty in bed, that good girls don’t tell their man what they want during sex, that good girls, and moreover, good mothers, dress conservatively, act conservatively, and talk conservatively. What’s wrong with being a great mom, a great wife, and a freak between the sheets?
Before I go any further here, let me get a few things straight. First and foremost, my husband and I are completely monogamous. We don’t bring other people into our bed, and vice versa. I know the term “slut wife” is usually associated with cuckold fetishism, “sleeping around”, or just a general mental picture of a woman who is unfaithful to her husband, with or without his permission. I’m not knocking it – hey, if it works for you and your man, great. That just isn’t what this blog is all about. And I’m not asking you to change the way you act or dress or talk on a day-to-day basis. I’m not saying you should trade your mommy jeans for a miniskirt and heels. I’m not suggesting you act any different at all, actually. I’m just asking that you open your mind for a minute and become a “bad girl”. When the bedroom door closes, the mommy is gone, the stresses of the day are gone, and it’s time to put your “good girl” away until tomorrow.
This is about a complete surrendering of what is considered “conventional”, “proper”, and buying into the “good girl” mentality. It’s about being a total slut – for your husband.
So now that I’ve told you what a slut wife isn’t, let me explain what a slut wife is. I used to have a good friend during my college years who escorted on the side to keep up with her rent and school expenses (not to mention her shoe collection). She wasn’t a bad person; she was actually a pretty great person. She had a killer body and an open mind, and she used that to her advantage. Occasionally she would tell me stories about some of the men she saw regularly, and it will probably come as no surprise for you to learn that most of her clientele consisted of married men (try to put aside your feelings of disgust for just a moment and look at this story as a learning experience). She would tell me stories about the freaky and sometimes disturbing things these men would ask of her, and usually she was happy to oblige, since the freakier the session was, the more the client had to pay.
When she would have conversations with most of these guys, they would admit they were married. And yes, most of them were sleaze-balls and douche bags. But a few of them – the “regulars” – would open up occasionally, explaining that their wives were their whole world, the mother of their children, their best friends. Most of them had never even asked their wives for these sexual favors, and the ones who did had been shot down. One guy in particular explained that he had never cheated on his wife before, but after living in a relationship dominated by kids, work, and stress, he hadn’t sex in over eight years. Eight years! Another explained that he just didn’t look at his wife that way – he saw his wife as someone he should “make love” to, and strangers and prostitutes as women he should “fuck”.
I’m not saying you should keep your husband satisfied out of fear of losing him. If that’s why you’re reading this, or if you already suspect your man of cheating and you’re trying to “compete”, then close this window and google “marriage counselors” in your city and state. But if you already have a great relationship, and you’re just looking to spice things up, then read on!
I guess the moral of the story is this: as corny and cliche as it sounds, men do have needs. They are sexual beings, just like us. And while most women who don’t have their needs met will simply go out and buy a vibrator, or take up yoga, or throw themselves into their work, the majority of men will find someone else who can satisfy their needs. I’m not condoning it by any means, I’m just stating fact! Why would any man in his right mind look at porn in secret when he has a wife that is his own personal porn star? Why would a man even glance in another woman’s direction when he has you? Why get stuck in a rut if you don’t have to?
A slut wife is someone who has first and foremost opened up the line of sexual communication between their spouse and their self. Your partner has to feel like they can totally trust you, and that whatever they say isn’t going to be used against them or cause an adverse reaction (“gross!”, “that’s weird”, or “are you serious?”). In other words, you have to have “the talk” with your spouse:
What kinds of things have you always wanted to do sexually, but you’ve been afraid to ask for?
What things do we do in bed that you really like?
What is your ultimate fantasy?
And don’t forget about yourselves, ladies! Ask questions, but make sure you’re chipping in too. What kinds of things really turn you on? What is your ultimate fantasy? This should be an open dialogue, not an interrogation. Get creative – ask about his thoughts, his needs, tell him what you really want in bed, what you really need to make things exciting. And remember, it doesn’t have to be things that are taboo or weird – it absolutely can be – but if you want a little more romance, ask for that too!
This is really important: if your husband says something that knocks you over with surprise, don’t show it. Chances are, you want something he’s never thought of either. And just because he wants something you may consider “freaky”, it doesn’t mean he’s weird or that there’s something wrong with him.
Step number two: start slow. Don’t overwhelm yourself with all the things you guys want to try out together. Start with one thing, and feel it out. You may feel silly role-playing as a naughty nurse or talking dirty for the first time, but really give it a chance before you determine this isn’t something you ever want to do again. And if you do decide that something isn’t for you, don’t feel bad about it. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. End of story. I’m not advocating complete submission to your man and completely forgetting what your own needs are – I’m advocating the complete opposite. It’s about finding new and exciting things to do with your mate, things that steam up the bedroom and bring the two of you closer than you ever thought you could be.
Let me tell you another story. When my husband and I started dating, we had decent sex. It wasn’t mind-blowing, but it wasn’t terrible either. It was so-so sex. But as our relationship got stronger, the sex got better. Before long I was 100% sure this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And it was a good thing too – soon after, I found out I was pregnant.
When I started to show, I noticed my then-boyfriend’s appetite for sex was getting bigger and bigger. Where we would have normally had sex maybe twice or three times a week, we were now having sex almost every single day. After he had a few too many beers one night, he confided in me that he had a bit of a fetish for pregnant women. I was flabbergasted! I probably looked at him like he had three heads, but I quickly recovered and pressed him for more. I wanted to find out what else I didn’t know, and I had a genuine hunger to make him happy. So I sat there and listened for what seemed like forever, gently prodding for more information, never letting on that I was a little freaked out that I had no clue what a freak I had chosen for a spouse! How did I not know any of this?
Without divulging too much of what my husband prefers, it turns out that we both had lots of curiosities and fantasies that we had either never tried, or felt too silly to ask for. By the time we had aired everything out, we were both so excited to try some new things that we spent the entire evening running around the house naked! After a few weeks of trying out our new sex life, I finally looked at my husband and said, “Whatever you want. Name it, and we’ll try it at least once”. I swear to you, he was like a kid in a candy store. I’ve never seen him so excited and happy. We went on expeditions to “toy” stores, watched porn together, and had many a sleepless night simply exploring each other.
Now don’t get the wrong impression here – I know it sounds like all we did was stay in bed and have sex, and that every waking moment was dedicated to kink. Of course that isn’t true. We are both professional adults, and we had responsibilities and stress. There were plenty of nights that we still had “so-so” sex, and by the time our son got here, we were so wrapped up in baby clothes and doctor’s visits and counting little fingers and toes that sex was definitely put on the back burner for a while. And of course it took us some time to get back into the swing of things, but once we did it was full-speed ahead!
Once I let go and started trying new things sexually, something strange began to happen. I realized that it was not just about good sex, but about finding a sort of self-confidence that I didn’t even know I had. I was walking a little straighter, dressing a little better, and smiling a little bigger. It’s amazing how wonderful it feels to know that when my husband looks at me, he’s not only adoring me because I’m a good wife or a good mom or even a good person – he’s actually dumbstruck as to how he got so damn lucky. All my insecurities seemed to just evaporate.
For example, I’ll lay this out there – I have stretch marks. Lots and lots of stretch marks. When I’m pregnant (and I’m a pro at this point, considering we have three beautiful children and considering a fourth), I start to look a little bit like a zebra. There is no part of my skin that isn’t affected. My stomach, my breasts, even my thighs and butt are covered in white and purple-ish stripes. I have become somewhat okay with the fact that I will never be able to wear a bikini in public again, and it’s been years since I put my belly ring away for good. But what upset me the most was that I feared my husband would find me unattractive. When I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw the vixen, the siren – I saw a frump. And when I undressed in front of him, I found myself covering my stomach. When I was on top of him during sex, I found myself thinking more about how I looked than about my own orgasm. It wasn’t until I started seeing myself through my husband’s eyes that I realized that the only time he found me remotely unattractive was when I lost sight of my own self-confidence and was embarrassed by my own body. When I really thought about it, I started putting the pieces together. While lingerie shopping online, I always picked out babydolls and teddies that covered my belly. When he picked out lingerie for me, he always picked things that bared my midriff and exposed my thighs. Why would he do that if he found my stretch marks as disgusting as I feared he did? The truth is, he doesn’t see me the same way I do. He doesn’t expect me to look like a Playboy model after three kids – that’s my own hangup.
There was another, more unexpected side effect. I half-expected for this to be a short-term experiment, and even half-expected so much sex to cause a shift in our day-to-day lives. Would this turn into a Pandora’s Box? Would our relationship suffer? Shockingly, no. In fact, every day I feel a little closer to him. More connected. There’s a certain freedom in knowing you can tell your partner anything. If you can fess up that you like to be peed on, it makes it a little easier to admit you don’t really like the meatloaf, doesn’t it?
If you can let yourself go enough, isn’t it worth a shot? Like I said before, why get stuck in a rut if you don’t have to? I’ve made my case for being a slut wife – now go put on your push-up bra and blow your husband during the football game - he’ll never know what hit him.